Sam and I have been married for almost 13 years. We met in college at the University of Dallas. Right before our junior year we were married. Within months of saying our vows, Sam had developed an internet pornography habit. With the internet being affordable, accessible and anonymous, along with no accountability from friends, Sam was caught up in the world of pornography. At the time there was little information or resources to help a couple like us. We weren't exactly sure where to turn. Who do you talk to? Where do you go for help? Counselors gave us advice that was contrary to our Catholic faith (watch it together, what Sam is doing is fine, I need to do more sexually), and the Sacraments were wonderful ways to receive graces, yet Sam still struggled and we were hurting as a couple. Family and friends, although they loved us, didn't seem like a safe place for us to go and ask for help. We navigated this for two years on our own and our relationship nearly didn't make it.
Sam was always honest with me when he looked at porn, which was a blessing. I loved Sam so much and I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me, to us, to himself. It was destructive and was tearing us apart. His behavior made me feel ugly, unwanted, replaceable, and I couldn't understand why he couldn't stop looking at porn when he kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to stop. I became a very angry person. I yelled, I cussed, I called him names and I wished him harm. We develop a destructive cycle and we didn't know how to stop it or how to get out of it. I became someone I never thought I would become. And I felt alone. Are we the only ones struggling with this issue? Where can we go to talk about this...why is no one is talking about it? I basically chose to pretend things were fine around family and friends so that no one would ask questions. I read Christian books that had twisted information on sexual intimacy and Catholic information was either no where to be found or a few years later on Catholic Radio pornography was addressed strictly as a spiritual issue...pray more, sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament, go to Confession more, go to daily Mass. All of those are good things, but just like an alcoholic needs more help than that, so did we. We were barely hanging on by a thread. We struggled to keep our marriage together by the graces we were receiving through the Sacraments, the friendship and love that we had before we were married, and using NFP where we were able to lean on the friendship we had developed while we abstained during the fertile times of my cycle. We could show one another love in other ways besides sex, which helped us to rebuild intimacy, trust and talk to one another knowing that sex was off the table.
After college, we moved to Colorado Springs, CO for a fresh start. Sadly our problems didn't stay in Dallas but instead intensified. After fearing that Sam would have an affair, which seemed like where his addiction would lead, I gave him an ultimatum...find help and stop looking at porn or leave. He decided to go to an SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meeting for some initial support. At his first meeting he found out that there was a counseling center there in Colorado Springs that dealt strictly with addictive behaviors towards sex, lust, porn, and relationships. After three years of suffering we had found help. We both went to counseling, did couples counseling and groups. We worked on ourselves and our marriage. I'd love to say that our marriage was restored and healthy, but this type of struggle and addiction is difficult to conquer, yet there is hope. We also dove deeper into our faith. We were great Catholics, we thought as we went to Mass every Sunday, Confession, tithed a bit and practiced NFP, but we were barely scratching the surface. We discovered Theology of the Body, read the Bible, worked on our prayer life and began praying together. Soon we began to really see the fruits of our efforts. With both of us working on recovery work, along with developing a stronger spiritual life, we began thriving. Our Catholic faith is so rich. We were able to learn more about spiritual warfare and how to protect our marriage. We blessed our house, began wearing St. Benedict medals, praying St. Michael the Archangel prayers daily, praying rosaries, among other things. We were beginning to heal.
Sam went to grad school in counseling and began working for the counseling program that had helped us. He felt a call to take this work to the Catholic Church. Sam and another Catholic counselor reached out to Bishop Sheridan to potentially start a program in Colorado Springs. While researching to see if such a program already existed, he discovered that the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas had just launched a Freedom from Pornography Initiative and they were looking for someone to head the initiative. God is good. As we were leaving Colorado, Bishop Sheridan asked if we would be willing to share our story for a DVD the diocese was making as they decided to adopt the program Kansas City just adapted in there. Initially we declined, but he asked us to discern sharing. There seemed to be less vulnerability in sharing our story on a DVD that would be shown in the parishes in the Colorado Springs diocese, so we decided to do it. Since we no longer live there, no one will really know us and our story won't reach anyone who does know us, right? Yet there was something freeing and courageous about sharing our story. Suddenly our darkness was brought to the light for others to hear about. If anyone else struggled with this issue, hopefully they won't feel so alone like we did. Sharing our story redeemed the suffering, the hurt, the dark, dark reality of addiction and a twisting of masculinity and femininity that had deeply affected our relationship. We decided to share our story with our families for the first time. They should know what we shared with strangers just in case someone does know us. They were supportive and proud of trudging through the hard times and working on our marriage.
Sam's new job at the Archdiocese allowed for him to counsel men and couples, start Catholic men's recovery groups and begin educating the priests and Catholic leaders the reality of looking at and watching pornography. Of course not everyone that looks at porn becomes addicted, and some in the psychology field have questioned if sex and porn can become an actual addiction, yet what has been found over the past few years is the brain science behind looking at porn and even having casual hook up sex or even sex with your spouse while looking at or thinking of porn. This information has been very helpful for both men and their wives/girlfriends, as they now can understand why it is so hard to stop looking at porn.
I was asked if I would help co-facilitate a women's support group soon after we moved here. It was the wives and girlfriends who were reaching out to Sam, not the men as much. The women wanted information, wanted help, wanted hope on how to help the men in their lives. There was someone to help the men, but there wasn't a Catholic place for women. There are support groups for women, such as SAnon, or Partners groups (I went to Partners groups, which came out of the counseling center in CO) and even 3 day retreats through Faithful and True Ministries in MN with Debbie Laaser. To have something local and Catholic was such a blessing to the women calling.
Even if the women didn't come to the support group, sometimes it was just being able to call and talk to someone or send an email knowing someone would write back. They no longer felt alone. Each woman has a unique story, situation, yet so much of the information I shared was similar for each woman. First off, there is hope. Second, you cannot control your spouse, but you can control yourself. If you work on making yourself healthy, then the husband can no longer blame you for his misery and might decide to also get help (groups, counseling, Confession, etc). Third, stop being a detective trying to find everything that your husband is looking at and doing, but instead start making your home a safe place. Put filters on computers, your wireless internet, cell phones, iPods, iPads, Xbox or Playstation, put parental controls on the TV/ cable/ dish or cut the cable altogether if an option. You cannot control your spouse to stop looking, he can literally go anywhere now to find it, but you can begin making your home a place where we can't access porn, or at least if he has a work phone or computer he would have to use that which he might not do because often companies will fire workers for looking at porn. It is good if you can talk to your husband about these changes instead of just doing them and 'surprising' him. If not, and especially if there are children in the house, it would still be a good idea for you to do these things to protect your children from accidental exposure.
That DVD that we shared our story on has opened up many doors for us to share our story with others. We've done quite a few talks to youth groups, Pro Life conferences and with That Man Is You TMIY). We recently spoke at the University of Notre Dame with two other people that we have spoken with before through TMIY, and it was such a positive experience for us and the students that we hope we can perhaps do a traveling tour to speak at more of our Catholic universities. Sharing our story has not only been healing for us, but it has now become sharing God's story with other. When I share, even though it is what I lived through, it is what God carried me through and so many other women can relate that it is in some ways sharing their story as well. It isn't easy to share, it is still emotional as I allow myself to access just a bit of the pain and hurt that I experienced. I hope I never lose that gift as it helps me to remember and to always empathize with the women out there going through this as well.
My intention with this website is to point to resources that will help you and guide you through this difficult time in your life. Qualified and trained counselors in this field are difficult to find on your own, but are necessary as you find healing. Dependable books, DVDs, CDs are also at times difficult. Now there are a lot of options for help, but not all are respectful of the Catholic faith. One does not need to sacrifice your faith for help. Also, second opinions are always helpful. If you receive questionable information, get a second opinion and see if it lines up. Trust your gut. If it doesn't sound right, it might not be. For instance, if a counselor asks you to watch porn with your spouse as a way to increase sexual intimacy, or to do try sexual positions you are not comfortable with to please your spouse, don't follow that advice and in fact ask someone else who would be qualified to answer. Also, sometimes men are told by priests that it isn't necessary or healthy to disclose affairs or struggles with porn with you as it would just add tension to the marriage, especially if you have told your husband that you would leave him if he ever did that. This is misguided information. Our priests have had little to no training or information regarding pornography or porn addiction and although they are trying to protect the marriage, honesty and trust is necessary for a marriage to survive much less thrive. Lies and secrets are what satan feeds off of and this will bring nothing but more destruction to the marriage.
Most importantly, there is hope. This journey will not be quick or easy. Both of you must do a great deal of work to heal and for your marriage to heal. If both of you does the work needed, there is hope that your marriage will not only survive but may even be stronger and better. If your husband refuses to work on himself, I encourage you to do work on yourself. This is not only for your own health but also for you to be a healthy mother if you have children, for relationships with others, and especially if you decide to remarry. Do everything you can to save your marriage so that if your husband continues his acting out, you knew that you gave it everything. See if your husband will go with you to Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille, Living in Love, a 3 day intensive recovery retreat, a Theology of the Body talk or program such as The Good News About Sex and Marriage, listen to a CD from Jason Evert or Matt Fradd. There are many, many options now, please exhaust them all before giving up.
Lastly, protect your family. It is so heartbreaking when I get a call from woman who not only found out that her husband has been looking at porn but also her child(ren) have as well. If you are pregnant with your first child, it isn't too early to put a filter on all devices with internet access. If you are not sure how to do this or what devices have access, look online...Google it. Just about everything does now, so even your Kindle, you kids video game console, etc has internet capabilities. Read books like Theology of His Body/Theology of Her Body by Jason Evert and begin talking to your kids in age appropriate ways about healthy human sexuality. We have been speaking to our 4 year old boy for 4 years, even in the womb, about God's great plan for his body as he was created as a male. The body isn't bad, it is glorious and we must affirm our children in the proper ways about God' call for them as either boys or girls, man or woman. Affirm your children, build them up, pray with them, bless them, anoint them, look into their eyes and tell them that they are loved. Eat meals together without the TV on or cell phones handy. Play board games together instead of watching TV. They are bombarded with some much and it is highly sexualized and if you want them to choose a pure path, you must show them that path and tell them why they should choose it. The culture is cunning and makes the lies of porn and hook up sex very attractive. Prepare them with the truth and teach them that the lie will never satisfy. Then you must live it as best you can yourself so that they see it.
Blessings to you as you go through your journey. You are not alone and there is hope. Do not despair as God can guide you through this if you let Him and He can redeem and transform as only He can. Dear sisters, it is a battle, let us look to the saints for help along the way. St. Rita, St. Jude, Mother Mary, St. Joseph, St. John Paul II pray for us.
Sam was always honest with me when he looked at porn, which was a blessing. I loved Sam so much and I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me, to us, to himself. It was destructive and was tearing us apart. His behavior made me feel ugly, unwanted, replaceable, and I couldn't understand why he couldn't stop looking at porn when he kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to stop. I became a very angry person. I yelled, I cussed, I called him names and I wished him harm. We develop a destructive cycle and we didn't know how to stop it or how to get out of it. I became someone I never thought I would become. And I felt alone. Are we the only ones struggling with this issue? Where can we go to talk about this...why is no one is talking about it? I basically chose to pretend things were fine around family and friends so that no one would ask questions. I read Christian books that had twisted information on sexual intimacy and Catholic information was either no where to be found or a few years later on Catholic Radio pornography was addressed strictly as a spiritual issue...pray more, sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament, go to Confession more, go to daily Mass. All of those are good things, but just like an alcoholic needs more help than that, so did we. We were barely hanging on by a thread. We struggled to keep our marriage together by the graces we were receiving through the Sacraments, the friendship and love that we had before we were married, and using NFP where we were able to lean on the friendship we had developed while we abstained during the fertile times of my cycle. We could show one another love in other ways besides sex, which helped us to rebuild intimacy, trust and talk to one another knowing that sex was off the table.
After college, we moved to Colorado Springs, CO for a fresh start. Sadly our problems didn't stay in Dallas but instead intensified. After fearing that Sam would have an affair, which seemed like where his addiction would lead, I gave him an ultimatum...find help and stop looking at porn or leave. He decided to go to an SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meeting for some initial support. At his first meeting he found out that there was a counseling center there in Colorado Springs that dealt strictly with addictive behaviors towards sex, lust, porn, and relationships. After three years of suffering we had found help. We both went to counseling, did couples counseling and groups. We worked on ourselves and our marriage. I'd love to say that our marriage was restored and healthy, but this type of struggle and addiction is difficult to conquer, yet there is hope. We also dove deeper into our faith. We were great Catholics, we thought as we went to Mass every Sunday, Confession, tithed a bit and practiced NFP, but we were barely scratching the surface. We discovered Theology of the Body, read the Bible, worked on our prayer life and began praying together. Soon we began to really see the fruits of our efforts. With both of us working on recovery work, along with developing a stronger spiritual life, we began thriving. Our Catholic faith is so rich. We were able to learn more about spiritual warfare and how to protect our marriage. We blessed our house, began wearing St. Benedict medals, praying St. Michael the Archangel prayers daily, praying rosaries, among other things. We were beginning to heal.
Sam went to grad school in counseling and began working for the counseling program that had helped us. He felt a call to take this work to the Catholic Church. Sam and another Catholic counselor reached out to Bishop Sheridan to potentially start a program in Colorado Springs. While researching to see if such a program already existed, he discovered that the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas had just launched a Freedom from Pornography Initiative and they were looking for someone to head the initiative. God is good. As we were leaving Colorado, Bishop Sheridan asked if we would be willing to share our story for a DVD the diocese was making as they decided to adopt the program Kansas City just adapted in there. Initially we declined, but he asked us to discern sharing. There seemed to be less vulnerability in sharing our story on a DVD that would be shown in the parishes in the Colorado Springs diocese, so we decided to do it. Since we no longer live there, no one will really know us and our story won't reach anyone who does know us, right? Yet there was something freeing and courageous about sharing our story. Suddenly our darkness was brought to the light for others to hear about. If anyone else struggled with this issue, hopefully they won't feel so alone like we did. Sharing our story redeemed the suffering, the hurt, the dark, dark reality of addiction and a twisting of masculinity and femininity that had deeply affected our relationship. We decided to share our story with our families for the first time. They should know what we shared with strangers just in case someone does know us. They were supportive and proud of trudging through the hard times and working on our marriage.
Sam's new job at the Archdiocese allowed for him to counsel men and couples, start Catholic men's recovery groups and begin educating the priests and Catholic leaders the reality of looking at and watching pornography. Of course not everyone that looks at porn becomes addicted, and some in the psychology field have questioned if sex and porn can become an actual addiction, yet what has been found over the past few years is the brain science behind looking at porn and even having casual hook up sex or even sex with your spouse while looking at or thinking of porn. This information has been very helpful for both men and their wives/girlfriends, as they now can understand why it is so hard to stop looking at porn.
I was asked if I would help co-facilitate a women's support group soon after we moved here. It was the wives and girlfriends who were reaching out to Sam, not the men as much. The women wanted information, wanted help, wanted hope on how to help the men in their lives. There was someone to help the men, but there wasn't a Catholic place for women. There are support groups for women, such as SAnon, or Partners groups (I went to Partners groups, which came out of the counseling center in CO) and even 3 day retreats through Faithful and True Ministries in MN with Debbie Laaser. To have something local and Catholic was such a blessing to the women calling.
Even if the women didn't come to the support group, sometimes it was just being able to call and talk to someone or send an email knowing someone would write back. They no longer felt alone. Each woman has a unique story, situation, yet so much of the information I shared was similar for each woman. First off, there is hope. Second, you cannot control your spouse, but you can control yourself. If you work on making yourself healthy, then the husband can no longer blame you for his misery and might decide to also get help (groups, counseling, Confession, etc). Third, stop being a detective trying to find everything that your husband is looking at and doing, but instead start making your home a safe place. Put filters on computers, your wireless internet, cell phones, iPods, iPads, Xbox or Playstation, put parental controls on the TV/ cable/ dish or cut the cable altogether if an option. You cannot control your spouse to stop looking, he can literally go anywhere now to find it, but you can begin making your home a place where we can't access porn, or at least if he has a work phone or computer he would have to use that which he might not do because often companies will fire workers for looking at porn. It is good if you can talk to your husband about these changes instead of just doing them and 'surprising' him. If not, and especially if there are children in the house, it would still be a good idea for you to do these things to protect your children from accidental exposure.
That DVD that we shared our story on has opened up many doors for us to share our story with others. We've done quite a few talks to youth groups, Pro Life conferences and with That Man Is You TMIY). We recently spoke at the University of Notre Dame with two other people that we have spoken with before through TMIY, and it was such a positive experience for us and the students that we hope we can perhaps do a traveling tour to speak at more of our Catholic universities. Sharing our story has not only been healing for us, but it has now become sharing God's story with other. When I share, even though it is what I lived through, it is what God carried me through and so many other women can relate that it is in some ways sharing their story as well. It isn't easy to share, it is still emotional as I allow myself to access just a bit of the pain and hurt that I experienced. I hope I never lose that gift as it helps me to remember and to always empathize with the women out there going through this as well.
My intention with this website is to point to resources that will help you and guide you through this difficult time in your life. Qualified and trained counselors in this field are difficult to find on your own, but are necessary as you find healing. Dependable books, DVDs, CDs are also at times difficult. Now there are a lot of options for help, but not all are respectful of the Catholic faith. One does not need to sacrifice your faith for help. Also, second opinions are always helpful. If you receive questionable information, get a second opinion and see if it lines up. Trust your gut. If it doesn't sound right, it might not be. For instance, if a counselor asks you to watch porn with your spouse as a way to increase sexual intimacy, or to do try sexual positions you are not comfortable with to please your spouse, don't follow that advice and in fact ask someone else who would be qualified to answer. Also, sometimes men are told by priests that it isn't necessary or healthy to disclose affairs or struggles with porn with you as it would just add tension to the marriage, especially if you have told your husband that you would leave him if he ever did that. This is misguided information. Our priests have had little to no training or information regarding pornography or porn addiction and although they are trying to protect the marriage, honesty and trust is necessary for a marriage to survive much less thrive. Lies and secrets are what satan feeds off of and this will bring nothing but more destruction to the marriage.
Most importantly, there is hope. This journey will not be quick or easy. Both of you must do a great deal of work to heal and for your marriage to heal. If both of you does the work needed, there is hope that your marriage will not only survive but may even be stronger and better. If your husband refuses to work on himself, I encourage you to do work on yourself. This is not only for your own health but also for you to be a healthy mother if you have children, for relationships with others, and especially if you decide to remarry. Do everything you can to save your marriage so that if your husband continues his acting out, you knew that you gave it everything. See if your husband will go with you to Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille, Living in Love, a 3 day intensive recovery retreat, a Theology of the Body talk or program such as The Good News About Sex and Marriage, listen to a CD from Jason Evert or Matt Fradd. There are many, many options now, please exhaust them all before giving up.
Lastly, protect your family. It is so heartbreaking when I get a call from woman who not only found out that her husband has been looking at porn but also her child(ren) have as well. If you are pregnant with your first child, it isn't too early to put a filter on all devices with internet access. If you are not sure how to do this or what devices have access, look online...Google it. Just about everything does now, so even your Kindle, you kids video game console, etc has internet capabilities. Read books like Theology of His Body/Theology of Her Body by Jason Evert and begin talking to your kids in age appropriate ways about healthy human sexuality. We have been speaking to our 4 year old boy for 4 years, even in the womb, about God's great plan for his body as he was created as a male. The body isn't bad, it is glorious and we must affirm our children in the proper ways about God' call for them as either boys or girls, man or woman. Affirm your children, build them up, pray with them, bless them, anoint them, look into their eyes and tell them that they are loved. Eat meals together without the TV on or cell phones handy. Play board games together instead of watching TV. They are bombarded with some much and it is highly sexualized and if you want them to choose a pure path, you must show them that path and tell them why they should choose it. The culture is cunning and makes the lies of porn and hook up sex very attractive. Prepare them with the truth and teach them that the lie will never satisfy. Then you must live it as best you can yourself so that they see it.
Blessings to you as you go through your journey. You are not alone and there is hope. Do not despair as God can guide you through this if you let Him and He can redeem and transform as only He can. Dear sisters, it is a battle, let us look to the saints for help along the way. St. Rita, St. Jude, Mother Mary, St. Joseph, St. John Paul II pray for us.